Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*