interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
waiting for halloween be like:
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
synchronized noseblowing
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.