After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
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Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives