shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
it must be school picture day
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha