DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
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When he asks for feet pics
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.