[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.