{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
You Might Also Like
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there