[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
You Might Also Like
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen