That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Catercrombie & Fish
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…