Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
So we got a goldfish…
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?