Are you dating a bunch of bees?
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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit