Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
You Might Also Like
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.