Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
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every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?