That’s no pocket rocket.
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Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”