Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
You Might Also Like
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
it’s the silliest best thing
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.