squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
You Might Also Like
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.