Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
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HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Why is this me 😫
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
The USS B port
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too