Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
i guess his teacher was really pissed
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper