PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
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If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I need to update my racial profile.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.