Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
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I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Just a bush.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.