If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Is this a threat?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”