The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Ferrari squats
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Meow
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.