*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad鈥檚 job is literally being a chair
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Most people don鈥檛 know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Real House Wines.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I鈥檇 be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I鈥檓 here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 馃檪
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
People think it鈥檚 embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it鈥檚 way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it鈥檚 great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can鈥檛 wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.