MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you