I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
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Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.