The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
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My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
What even happened today?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead