My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.