I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears