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I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”