There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
You Might Also Like
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
three things we don’t talk about
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.