“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The best plant holders?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*