Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
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Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you