Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Hell yeah 👍
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.