Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
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Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30