I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too