The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Well, shit
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
*orders delivery*
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it