Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
tinder is all about the long game
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*