A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding