My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
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Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Got ya covered
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.