nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
You Might Also Like
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.