kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
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Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.