Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
You Might Also Like
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I am patiently waiting for your email
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.