Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza