[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
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Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Pringles
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Mornin