Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
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me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Good Morning.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
my lower back watching me try to live my life
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.