If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
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People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.