Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
craving $300 all of a sudden
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.