I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
sigh
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*