The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
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Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
me: it鈥檚 an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Hi, I鈥檓 pleased to announce that I鈥檝e arrived just in time to make everything worse
Mom texted that she鈥檚 enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill鈥檚 Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff鈥檚 badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it馃槖
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha