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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.